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About Literature / Hobbyist TaylorFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
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The Truth of This Matter
I have been asked why I wanted to die so badly a week ago.
I wanted to die not because I felt overwhelmed, or useless, or anything like that – I have been worthless and stained my whole life, so no, those would not manifest in this way, not now. I wanted to die so badly not because I feel as if I am hopeless, and not because I feel alone. People have reiterated that they care and I understand that.
I wanted – and, honestly, maybe even still want to – die, because I am a runner. That is all I have ever done. I run from memories and people. I am that person who sees the problem, who takes the problem, who analyzes the problem, and then, if there is not any other way to solve it other than facing an agony that is much more comfortable staying hidden, I hide it. I bury it. And I scream and run away, as fast and as far as I can, until I no longer have to delve into the crevices of a mind that I cannot stand to be saddled with any longer.
Maybe I am wrong, in this way, but
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 7
And that is just it by jaspiir And that is just it :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 0 In order to get anywhere by jaspiir In order to get anywhere :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 5 I'm as empty as they come by jaspiir I'm as empty as they come :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 5 YO by jaspiir YO :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 26
and you still left
I do not know how much time I can waste on words, but damn if I am going to stop writing. It keeps me here. It keeps the dreams at bay, sometimes.
It keeps me mostly sane.
And I say that, mostly sane, because I am pretty positive I am not. I wake up in tears, shaking, screaming, begging for any type of desperate freedom, of desperate release, and nothing I do really keeps it away anymore, not even this. And that makes me very sad, because it used to be everything I had. And now sometimes when I cannot breathe at night or convince myself to keep hope and faith and just be okay I cannot write it out. I cannot cut, anymore. Drinking barely helps. And it is all so tiring.
I am just not sure what to do anymore. I am so close to falling apart. And all I can think about are stranger’s lips just so I can feel something again and it is all so hopeless, because all I can remember are your eyes and how you used to laugh and those little wrinkles and those little touches and that quiet and b
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Call signs
People call this an artistic outpouring but this office is so small and my head is pulsing again and I am so unsure of just what I am doing.
The desk looks so dull and grey. Color in this room has been taken away and replaced with everything I see in the back of my mind. My hand is shaking and I cannot right. I can feel tears fighting and I can hear her screaming. And I know I am supposed to be writing now but I cannot feel anything but pain anymore. It is all so draining. I am so fucking tired and I am so fucking broken and I am sick of being inhuman and wrong.
And my arms look so fake and plastic and my fingertips are so calloused and worked and my back is aching and I have not been beaten in so long that my body is in shock and I am so unsure again because sometimes I want to kill her and sometimes I just want to be on my knees begging for her love and other times I am just a monster.
And right now I just want it all to go away.
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 0
Mature content
Never so good :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 2
Mature content
And now. :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 0
Mature content
drug ballad :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 0
I am in Economics attempting not to fall asleep when this happens.
There is a sharp knock on the door. Teacher looks up. Walks over. Cracks the door. Whispered, feverish words, and then he looks right at me. Nods to get me out of the classroom. I stand, try not to wobble. I am in indescribable pain. I make it outside. I wait. The school counselor is there. And she looks exceptionally concerned. And I purse my lips and stare at her.
She obviously expects me to say something. I do not oblige. She asks me to go with her, and I nod. I follow her. We trek around the school. It is getting mildly hot. The jacket I am wearing is quickly becoming a regret. I swallow. My throat is sore. Right. She leads me around the library, and to the nurse. She says she got an anonymous message from a student. This person is worried about me. I need to smoke. And she says I have to go to the nurse. And she says to talk to her after. And she leaves me there with this fat fake-blonde woman who does not look lik
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Mature content
Losing it :iconjaspiir:jaspiir 1 0
‘Why are you like this?’
It happens on top of the roof of my school. The sky is dimming. I am three hours late to getting home. And I am empty and uncaring, done with life. And this girl from this club who only has spoken to me once, she is getting out for the day because she ‘participates’ in extra-curricular activities behind closed doors after school lets out. And I look down and I see her, and she gestures towards me, and I am almost not going to go but then she speaks again.
‘You’re Taylor, right?’
And the fact that someone actually knows my name that is not the damn principal is enough to get me to traverse downstairs and meet her in front of the school. I light up before we speak. She is simply staring at me with a distant curiousity, and I am looking at her, blatant and deadpan. My hair falls in front of my face. I make no move to move it, so she does it for me, and out of habit I cringe and flinch. My heart starts thudding, so hard I c
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 3
I am positive I am nothing at this point in my life.
Go backwards. I am seventeen. I am a Junior. I am black jackets in the summertime and misplaced laughter. I am the stutters in every sentence a high-schooler speaks and I am every body slammed into the lockers before class rings. I am the forgotten, and I am the hated. I am the black eyes and lunchtime brawls. I am the nobody.
And I am leaping over the second-story roof during third period. History. Dull. Repetitive. Same as every year, we never get passed the Civil Rights Movement. I sit, cross-legged. I light a cigarette, and breathe very slowly, very deeply, and try very hard not to think about how my mother expects me home by three when school gets out at three ten and how angry she will be. I pinch my forehead. And then I hear noises. Soft noises. Dangerous noises.
I move, slowly, from my location. I crouch. I sneak. I hide. I search. My eyes are tired, and my heart is pounding. If I get caught and get a call home the day will e
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 3
It's funny
It is awfully funny how this all seems.
I see it all the time, you know. Her face, those haughty, distant lines of anger etched so delicately across her eyebrows. She is so beautiful. Flawless. She always has been. And she knows it. And she told me everyday.
Ugly, she’d scream. Worthless. Nothing. Faggot. Idiot. Can’t do this, never did that. I did this to her. I made her disgusting. Me, the whore, the scapegoat, that person every family has that they just lock in the closet and hope they don’t come crawling out, reeking of abuse and neglect, screaming and crying in agony. That thing. That was it.
Inhuman. Fragile. Hard. Cold. Empty. These are all things I once was, all things I am. All these things I try not to think about. And it is all coming back, now. Why now? Why this? Is it too much, really, to sit down and look at a child and not think about how it would feel destroying them?
Who really took this innocence? Because yes, broken things are trash. But god only kn
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 0
You have not kissed me in over a year and three months.
Your lips were cold, and giving. And as distasteful as that sounds I found myself longing for them, for the warmth in your breath pooling over your softly chapped mouth. The soft sounds you would make when I applied pressure, the desperate creases of your brow, the rough and soft rubbing of your thumbs on my jaw-line. You would pull and tug and moan and I would press and beg in the same manner, and it was never quite an unhealthier act we could perform. We thoroughly despised each other, and no matter what either of us would admit outside of the sheets, the sex was something to be rivaled.
It was agony, and yet it was so beautiful. And I have never been happier.
:iconjaspiir:jaspiir 0 5


Here for You by FeraNelia Here for You :iconferanelia:FeraNelia 426 72 sketch dec25th2013 - young Sam by oomizuao sketch dec25th2013 - young Sam :iconoomizuao:oomizuao 1,961 70 -Edward Re-Imagined- by HennaFaunway -Edward Re-Imagined- :iconhennafaunway:HennaFaunway 201 37
All I Have is You
He cradles my dreams
Deep in his heart
And I cannot fathom
A sweeter existence
If he leaves
(I know he will)
My heart
Will bleed dry
I can already feel his absence
Can already feel
Everything that I could be
Rip away
My light, my life
Through the devastation in me
That your leaving will make
I’ll still have the memory of you
And the echoes
Of bliss
:iconsuchtangledlieswesew:suchtangledlieswesew 2 0
The Opaque Inn - 2 by andiree The Opaque Inn - 2 :iconandiree:andiree 96 31 Devil Beating his Wife Process gif by MarionetteDolly Devil Beating his Wife Process gif :iconmarionettedolly:MarionetteDolly 76 3
Her and him


They met,
the two of them,

under a moonless sky;
through the cloudy haze,
the stars the only source of light.
One gazed up
and one gazed down,
his attention on her,
but eyes to the ground.
Her lips formed a smirk
followed by a laugh,
quiet, yet playful,
meant for only him to hear.
She was aware
she was simply intimidating.
She could feel it
by the tension in the air.
She looked back up at
the constellations overhead,
asking herself,
"Would fate deem them a worthy pair?"
Then, once again,
shifting her focus onto him,
she perceived three
meaningful things:

first, she noticed the chirping
of the crickets becoming slow,
the tune of Mother Nature's
Second, her very being,
the whole of her essence,
was drawn to the centers
of his eyes.
The emotion they co
:iconruuk-ve:ruuk-ve 3 3
Animation - Lillith - Lose yourself to dance by oomizuao Animation - Lillith - Lose yourself to dance :iconoomizuao:oomizuao 2,730 196
Love's Wax Wings
However much strength you hold in your heart,
somehow emotions come in through the walls-
or perhaps they have been there from the start
and now they awake to haunt your mind’s halls.
No passage is safe when you chase yourself,
revisiting your past to try once more-
a sad book you cannot leave on the shelf,
a boat that leaves you stranded far off shore.
When we see a cliff we presume to fly-
to climb on the wind as far as we dare-
to float off into the far distant sky-
We decide to risk the high open air,
determined to soar on wings, wax and all-
Heated passion burns our heart, and we fall.
Benjamin Court, September 2013
:iconinanisvoid:Inanisvoid 9 9
Maggot Boy- wanna play a game? by Xileohp Maggot Boy- wanna play a game? :iconxileohp:Xileohp 2 0 -Paper Stars Notes, Themes + Symbols- by HennaFaunway -Paper Stars Notes, Themes + Symbols- :iconhennafaunway:HennaFaunway 131 20 Sister Muse by Seraphina-Song Sister Muse :iconseraphina-song:Seraphina-Song 13 12 Happy freaking Halloween :3 by DeadInHollywood13 Happy freaking Halloween :3 :icondeadinhollywood13:DeadInHollywood13 6 4 Elizabethan Doctor by Photia Elizabethan Doctor :iconphotia:Photia 124 3 Old Fashioned Doctor (11) by Photia Old Fashioned Doctor (11) :iconphotia:Photia 129 8 Ben Franklin by toerning Ben Franklin :icontoerning:toerning 738 116


basically using this as an inadvertent way to get over my fear of talking [in front of people]

maybe it'll help

I hope it helps.


jaspiir's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
Current Residence: Panama City, FL



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Gusana Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!!! 
ZOOBR Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2014
ruuk-ve Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you for faving my newest piece
andiree Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Thanks so much for the watch!!
Chiixil-84 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm pretty late, but, I hope you had an awesome birthday, m'dear. :)
MarthaJ56 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey Taylor. Sorry I disappeared for a while. How have you been?
leyghan Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
gustavgun Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2012
thanks follow me pls
rupertandme Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Holy.... Wow! Thanks for the watch!
Sackielc Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012   Traditional Artist
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